it's not you, it's me

Sometimes I have to take a friend-cation.  Not a getaway with my bests (I do that, too) but a brief break from the people around me.

I do it for my own sanity. And to make sure that my friends stay my friends.

Over the years, I've gotten pretty good at holding my tongue.  Keeping my inner voice silent. Most of the time at least.

So why take a break if I have it under control?

Because sometimes it is more than I can handle and I feel myself losing that inner battle. But it's (rarely) you that is the reason for the hiatus - it's generally me.  My jealousy. My inadequacies. My issues.

So I walk away.  I stop reading texts and posts. I find myself unavailable for lunches and outings. I just take a break.

Deep down, I am happy that your child is doing well in school and life. But honestly, it's hard to calmly sit back while you complain about your son having a B or your minor annoyances.  SAT scores, colleges, awards.  Those constant reminders of how much we struggle at home is sometimes more than I can handle. It is a reminder of our loss, our frustrations, our pain. 
 
I know you don't mean it maliciously or as a slap in the face.  It's not a competition - I know that - but it still hurts.  My insecurities.

So although I don't expect you to understand what we go through at home, I hope you understand why sometimes I just don't want to go to lunch and listen to how great your life is.  I want you to stay my friend and I'm afraid the inner voice will come out.

It's just a vacation not a permanent split.  Please understand, it's not you... it's me.