lost and found

The leaves let go, the seeds let go, and I must let go sometimes, too. Robert Fulghum

I've lost a lot of things in my life. I've buried both of my parents. I've cried over lost babies and dreams. I have a sibling that I choose not to have a relationship with and one that chose for me. My wallet. My keys. At times I may have even lost my mind. But right now I feel like I've lost a piece of myself.

I don't trust easily. I am a pessimist to the core. I jump to the dark place. I know these things about myself and wonder in awe how it is that I have been blessed with friends that know all of this and love me anyway. Love me in spite of my flaws. Perhaps, even because of them.

Last week, I lost a close friend - a member of my inner circle. Not through death but through stupidity and immaturity. It is still a month until Yom Kippur but like all good Jews I was taught to ask for forgiveness every day. Forgiveness from those that I have wronged. Forgiveness from G-d. And, forgiveness from myself. I have done all these things but some things can be repaired and some things can not. They say time is the greatest healer... we shall see.

When something is lost, often in searching for it we find other things of equal or even greater value. Right now, I am reminded of the love of those that have stood by me through the years and provided me strength. Those that have laughed with me. Cried with me. Traveled the path with me -- providing a compass when I most needed direction. Those that love me in spite of myself. Despite the barriers I erect. I have let them in and they have chosen to stay. For good. For bad. For everything.

Dear Friends, each of you make me a better person, whether you know it or not. I am honored to have you in my life. I am overjoyed to have found you and to be able to call you "friend". I hope I never do anything stupid along the way to hurt you. But when I do, I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for being who I am... flawed.