I want

I want to be able to sleep through the night without waking. Nightmares of being suffocated. Then lying awake while my brain REprocesses all the pieces of my life. 

I want to be able to eat tomatoes and peppers and onions. To enjoy milkshakes and ice cream and the occasional beer without getting violently ill. 

I want to not look so tired. So defeated. 

I want to get through 24 hours without an argument. Without a fight. Without crying. 

I want to feel comfortable in my own home. I'm not. 

I run away. To work. To the store. Sometimes, I just drive as fast as I can as far as I need to. Until the urge to hurt someone or myself passes. 

Life has chewed me up and spit me out and sometimes I wonder if there is any of "me" still here. I want to find her. I just don't know how.